Taylor

I barely even know how to begin. Like so many people, I lost someone very special and important to me today, and it’s difficult to even comprehend the impact the loss is going to have on myself and literally hundreds of other people.

Taylor Gillespie was one of my best friends. He was charismatic, full of energy (it wasn’t possible to have a bad time or for a party to be dull when he was around), creative, loyal to a fault, encouraging, and of course absolutely hilarious. He could take any situation and make it fun, but he knew when it was important to get serious and listen.

There’s so much I could write, but right now I’m still reeling and haven’t fully grasped the magnitude of the loss. I loved him so much, and he was such a part of my life that it will take a while to understand.

But I didn’t want this to be about me, either. No, the main reasons I wanted to write this were—

1) To acknowledge and mourn the loss of one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and­—

2) To acknowledge the deep sense of peace that has been so blessedly bestowed on me, in hopes that by sharing this sense of peace, others who knew and loved Taylor might feel it, too.

As a believer in Jesus, I have blessed assurance that Taylor is in heaven, probably touring it right now (knocking over ancient relics as he goes :), those big blue eyes wide with childlike wonder and giddy excitement, cracking jokes and making such hilariously unintentional irreverent comments that the angels are following him around all the old places they know so well, just to hear and laugh at Taylor Gillespie’s quick-witted commentary on everything, making the oldest or most seemingly uninteresting thing suddenly come alive and somehow be funny.

I find deep peace and even joy knowing he’s there, and that one day we will be reunited with him. It’s normal at this time to ask ourselves “how” or “why” this happened, and not only is it normal to grieve over the loss, it’s expected and good.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance…” Ecclesiastes 3:4 (ESV)

“When Mordecai learned all that had been done, Mordecai tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the midst of the city, and he cried out with a loud and bitter cry.” Esther 4:1 (ESV) [See also Isaiah 61:1-3]

We should, therefore, allow ourselves to mourn and cry and plumb the depths of our loss for as long as we need, figuratively covering ourselves in sackcloth and ashes. But we need to mourn for a purpose. As Christians, why should we lose ourselves in our sorrow? Not only do we have a mighty Savior who came to rescue us from our personal, self-induced hell on earth, but also came to give us eternal life after our time here is done.

“O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?” 1 Cor. 15:55 (ESV)

Jesus took away death’s victory and sting through His death, offered us the free gift of grace so we could be led out of our darkness and death, for no other reason than He loves us and saw that we had no hope otherwise. Without Him and without extending this grace to us, life literally has no meaning or purpose.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.” 1 Cor. 15:58

Taylor believed this, and because of his belief and grateful acceptance of the grace that Jesus extends to us, I know he’s with his Savior now. And because I believe it, something wonderful has stolen over my heart, and over the hearts of several friends of mine and Taylor’s who I’ve talked to and who also believe and accept the wonderful grace of Jesus—“the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding…” (Philippians 4:7 [ESV])

Yes, I loved Taylor like a brother. Yes, he was one of my closest friends. Yes, there are thousands of wonderful memories of times spent with him. Yes, he was so wound up in my heart and in my life that I don’t know what my last semester of my senior year will look like without him. But I can look anyone in the eye and tell them this with confidence: I have such great peace and joy because of my faith in God, and because I know that Taylor shared this faith, I have blessed assurance and rest knowing that I will see him again, and that his passing was not some random, unfortunate accident—it has a purpose, and we are assured that the number of our days are written in God’s Book of Life.

“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalms 139:16 (ESV)

There are no accidents or purposeless lives or moments. “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28 [ESV])

When a person’s life seems to be cut too short, some people will say that that person’s life was like a flare. I tend to agree, but in Taylor’s case I’d say his life was like a firework; inspiring, full of show, color, and almost blinding in its unique, brilliant display (and of course immensely entertaining). It would be severely wrong to not allow ourselves to mourn this great loss, but it would be more of a mistake to lose ourselves in our grief when we know Jesus has conquered death, and that this is not the end.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longer for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected in, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

“For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” Romans 8:18-25 (ESV)

I apologize if this seems to be a long ramble—while I feel an underlying peace in all of this, of course I’m still grieving, so my mind isn’t completely clear.

I will never forget Taylor and his friendship, and my greatest condolences and my warmest and most heartfelt prayers go up for Mr. and Mrs. Gillespie, and everyone who knew Taylor. I pray for a peace that surpasses all understanding to comfort your grieving heart, a sense of reason and trust in knowing God knew the number of days Taylor was to be here to embed itself in your mind, and a deeply healing outpouring of tears to flow from your eyes. God bless, keep and comfort us all. Amen.

I love you, Taylor, and always will.



“Then his wife said to him, ‘Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.’ But he said to her, ‘You speak as one of the foolish women speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?’ In all this Job did not sin with his lips.” Job 2:9-10

“I can count a million times

People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through.
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You?
Maybe since my life was changed,
Long before these rainy days,
It's never really ever crossed my mind.
To turn my back on you, oh Lord,
My only shelter from the storm,
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray—

Bring me joy, bring me peace,
Bring the chance to be free,
Bring me anything that brings You glory.
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain.

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain.
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain.
So I pray—

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty.” – MercyMe, “Bring the Rain”

Eating the Wind

So school has started again, and as I'm realizing that I'm getting closer and closer to graduation, I find it interesting I'm hearing so many messages from many different sources that seem to be saying the same thing:

Spending your life in pursuit of pleasure and wealth ends in emptiness and discontent. Follow God's lead, and you will discover everything you were made for.

Forgive me if this post isn't especially well-written or doesn't make much sense (I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 3 a.m. last night, so my thoughts are sketchy at best), but since I'm sure others have wondered about their life's purpose, I felt like I should go ahead and try to write it out and revise it later, if necessary :).

As I was reading Ecclesiastes chapter 2 this morning, I happened to look down at one of the alternate translation notes. It was actually referring to Ecclesiastes 1:14, which reads, "I have seen everything that is done under the sun, and behold, all is vanity and a striving after wind." (ESV Study Bible)

The note suggested an alternate translation to "striving after wind," which was "feeding on wind."

Both translations are great. The first properly conveys the futility of grasping after something that simply cannot be grasped, but to me, the second one presents a different but still meaningful illustration.

As a child (or adult...), did you ever open your mouth and try to "eat the wind" as a strong gust rushed past you? It was maybe a little exhilarating, and I remember thinking I was somehow "getting MORE air!" because there seemed to be so much, and I was inhaling it more fully and even eating it (I wasn't a dumb kid--I just had an active imagination :). In the end, of course, the air that was rushing past me was same amount of air that was always around me, but it felt different--like I was getting more, somehow.

In the same way, chasing after fame, wealth, and pleasure seem like the best way to receive more out of life, but in the end, no matter how much you amass, these things are empty and do not sustain. It's like attempting to gulp down that huge gust of wind--it feels like you're getting more and you'll be better for it, but it's only an exhilarating feeling. In the end, you find you haven't truly gained anything.

Is it worthwhile to spend your life chasing after a temporary exhilaration that does not fulfill, rather than the breathless excitement from following what God has made you for?

P.S. Once again, Ben Stuart has an awesome podcast on this exact topic called "Whose Kingdom Come?" Look up Breakaway Ministries on iTunes and have a listen! :)

A Season of Singleness

It's strange when you start getting old enough where your friends are getting married (and some of the eager ones are even having kids).

Initially, there's that "Wow, seriously? But only OLD people get married!" reaction. Then you realize you ARE that old.

Oh----right. Dang.

Then there's that second reaction: The pressure and slight fear you'll be the oddball left with no one, and will forever have to endure the annoying (albeit well-intentioned) comments of, "Awww, Lindsey! We just have to find YOU someone!"

Thank you. I wasn't already painfully aware that I'm single.

But seriously, this isn't a post where I confess how I'm anxiously waiting, reading scores of bridal magazines and watching every bridal show, and wondering if every guy I meet could be "the One." Truthfully, I've never been that girl, and I don't intend to start.

Really, this post is about a recent revelation I feel God gave me. I've felt for awhile that I'm probably going to be single (or at least unmarried) for longer than most of my friends, and I was having trouble accepting it.

I was actually thanking God (half-heartedly, I'll admit) for this strange gift, because as a single person, I'm in a unique position to serve and be used by Him with a flexibility I won't have once I'm married. I think He wasn't satisfied with me just thanking Him for what I know "will be good for me in the long run," and He saw fit to share this insight with me:

"Lindsey, for everything there is a season (Ecc. 3:1). Enjoy each season of your life for what it is, so when the next season of your life rolls around, you will have no regrets. You will never be able to return to the life of a single woman once you're married, and if you spend all your time as a single person wishing you were married, by the time you ARE married you'll find yourself wishing you would have spent your 'single' time doing the things you can never do again. Enjoy each season for what it has to offer, so when you're married, you won't feel bitter toward the constraints that naturally come from being in a marriage."

It was an incredible thing to realize, and not only did it give me peace, it gave me excitement. What kind of amazing experiences does God have in store? I told Him I was game, and that we should definitely go on an adventure, just the two of us.

I've wondered what people meant when they said that He is the husband to the single, but now I understand. Of course there are things I look forward to sharing with an earthly husband, but the thought of spending time with Him definitely fills a part of the desire to be close to someone who knows you completely, and loves you for everything you are (and are not).

Do I still want to find someone? Absolutely. Do I think I won't at least date while I'm waiting for the right guy? Yeah, it's possible. Does that HAVE to happen? No. As weird as this might sound, I'm really OK with this situation right now, and I can unreservedly say I'm very excited to see what God has in mind for just the two of us, and I completely trust His timing.

For some of the best advice I've ever heard on being single, look up Breakaway Ministries on iTunes, and listen to Ben Stuart's talk entitled "The Gift of Singleness" (it's free!). Really, all his talks are awesome, so check them all out!